Original Work
by Katie Newbaum
December 2019
In the quiet I am melancholy
Restless, but mostly tired
This is all very heavy at times
And patience wears thin
When there is so much waiting
When we are in between
Anticipating the next step in the process
Not knowing exactly how it will go
Or how I will feel
I try to find the bright spots
Hold on to optimism
Put on a brave face, even for myself
Protection from collapsing inward from fear
Showing my people I am strong enough
For the journey ahead of and right beneath me
But, in the quiet there is only truth
The truth that I am both
Brave and Scared
Fearful and Eager
Anxious and Steady
Ready and Not Ready At All
In A Hole and Facing The Sun
In the quiet I am melancholy
But I am also courageous.
October 2019
I'm wearing a scarf.
Picked out of the closet in the morning,
it finally came down off the shelf
to greet the colder weather.
I lean closer to read something,
or listen more intently,
bringing my fist to my chin
and instinctively, the scarf along with my hand.
Looking as if I am in a frozen tundra,
too cold to breathe,
my face half covered with the soft material,
I smell my home.
Warmth.
September 2019
The night she turned 34
She had a glass of wine
And she pondered this life she'd been gifted.
She thought about how a half-life ago
She was 17 - just beginning.
She wondered about that young girl she was then.
She wondered about the grown woman she was now.
She sat on her patio and breathed in the late
September air.
What will this next year bring?
What about the next 17?
I'm still just beginning, she said to her glass.
Then she went to bed because it was after 9:30pm.
August 2019
The other day I heard Ed say
“Thank you” to Siri
And to my surprise
The robot answered back “You’re welcome!”
Over time I heard her say several responses to this:
“No problem, Ed” or “Don’t mention it”
What sorcery is this? I wondered
I myself have barely spoken to Siri
Ya know, because she’s a robot
So the next time we did speak I ended things with
“Thank you, Siri!”
Nothing… nada… no response… not a word
How rude!
I tried again, same result, total disrespect
I took my exacerbation back to Ed -
“What’s her damage?”
“Katie…” Ed said calmly
“You have to press the little icon at the bottom”
OH there’s an extra step to a thank you?
You have to be sure they can HEAR you?
July 2019
I often play a game
With myself
Since the year 2016 or so.
And so far,
Each year
Gets more intense.
I play:
“Is this crippling anxiety?
Or is this America?”
It’s a terrifying little game
Where I constantly feel
Unbalanced
Worried
And fearful
For all of those people
Who feel far worse
Than I do.
For those who experience
Regular racism
Sexism
Homophobia
Xenophobia
And much worse.
I wonder
If I should consume less news
Less social media
Less in general
Just so I feel more okay.
That’s white privilege - to have that choice.
I wonder if my generation
Will be able to
Raise their children
With less fear
Less hate
Less atrocity.
I wonder
If it will get any better
For any of us.
For any of our children.
Is this crippling anxiety?
Or is this America?
Both.
And we can’t give up.
June 2019
I click and click
Trying to discover
Who these people were
So long ago
That led the tree to me.
I scan the old pictures
To see if I recognize
Myself in any of their faces,
Finding lost family
Endlessly fascinating.
A great grandmother
Might have outlived
three husbands
In the late 1800s -
I hope it was a scandal.
All these families
Connected through time
I can’t help but seeing
The world as a big web
Creating the fiber
That holds us up
And together.
May 2019
My mother visits me
From somewhere else
That is not here with me
But somehow still is.
I don’t know what to call it.
I never have.
“Heaven” isn’t quite right, is it?
But I feel so grateful
For the place I am in
Even without her
That I feel she must still be here.
Or there.
Wherever that is
Between here and her.
April 2019
I love the feeling
of the first few weeks of spring
When colors are in bloom
and the sun warms the skin
While the cool breeze
still flows in the shade
And you need a jacket
that you will take off
And put back on
and take off again
All afternoon