To My Husband, On His Birthday
Today is the anniversary of my husband showing up in the world. He arrived in Illinois in the early morning, a couple of years before I would show up in California. I’ll never quite understand the luck of him walking into my life 4 years ago, but I bless the day. Not too long before I knew he existed, I sat in my car and I talked to my dead mom. This is a thing I do sometimes since she passed - we had a lot of good talks in the car. Sometimes when I arrive at some place and set the gear shift to park, I don’t feel like I’m ready to get out yet - and it’s usually because I have something I need to discuss with her. That night I had gotten home late. I pulled into my father’s driveway and just sat. I could feel my mother in the passenger seat and so I started talking. And essentially, I asked for Ed. I wanted to believe someone like him could exist but so far I had little evidence, just a gut feeling. I described this imaginary guy I wish would walk into my life - and then I got my wish.
Our wedding day was the best day of my life. It was a perfect day in a world where nothing seems to be perfect. Sometimes I think about that day and just want to weep from my gladness and gratitude. I walked down the aisle to “Our House” by Crosby, Stills, and Nash - we danced to “You are the Best Thing” by Ray LaMontagne. About a year later we moved to Washington, and now we are here living our next adventure.
The other day, we discovered a new song on a show we love, Schitt’s Creek. There’s a sweet cover of “Simply The Best” by Tina Turner that a character sings at an open mic night. Ed downloaded it and was playing it for me and we began to dance. I buried my face in his chest and swayed with him in front of my dresser. I love this about Ed - he knows that sometimes we just need to dance. It’s something my mother always did too… she’s a sneaky little guardian angel. As I held my husband and he held me back, I thought of our first dance as man and wife, the first time we said I love you, the first time we made each other laugh really hard, our first kiss - all the memories flooding me and making me feel so grateful and joyous that I could burst. This is how I hoped it would feel - when I sat in that car and asked my mom if it was possible. My heart has exploded and I can’t help now but wear it proudly on my sleeve for this man. I am blissfully undone. I think I’ll stay that way.
To my husband -
May you see yourself the way I see you.
Beautiful and sweet hearted,
Courageous and strong,
Hilarious and profound,
Simply the best.
I love you, babe. Happy Birthday.